Experiences| Confidence Building (Sunday)

Hello fellow bloggers!
Just something real quick before we start,
I haven't yet decided what I'll be changing things around too on the blog eg, themes and days.
Until I do, I'll be following what's currently posted, hence Build your Confidence Monday!
Anyway, I decided because I haven't actually wrote any experiences, even though I say I will in the title, I would do an experience with a lack of confidence I've had and hopefully you'll be able to relate! If not, that's okay because you may be able to relate to one of the other posts or one I post in future. Everybody is different hey?
Today I'm going to write about one that I think we probably all had a few confidence issues with, but here is my point of view.

'The Last Day of Primary School

and

First Day of Secondary School'

I will not lie to you. Lets go back a couple months. I had always been happy in primary school. It was kind of four of us in the entire class who were, well, 'more advanced' than the rest and we always sat together and done work together and help the teachers out. We was all excited to go to secondary school together, we didn't want to leave eachothers side! So, about a month before we left primary, everything changed. There was new girls, and there were arguments. I kind of got left. The only thing that didn't change was the other two boys that sat on the table with us. It left me with no friends, except the boys in class of course. But slowly we became distant. The girls wouldn't lay off. Then the rest was quite a blur but one of the girls were picking on my baby brother and he was/is my everything. I stormed out of the big kids play yard to the little kids yard, I pushed her over and grabbed my little brother and walked around the school where we werent allowed. I ignored all the teachers shouting and running after us. I picked him up and walked home. Quite frankly this was the point when everything changed. I realised I had the power to do whatever I wanted, and that I wasn't going to take shit of anyone. When I was to be picked up the next day, a bunch of angry parents were in the office including my mam. I wondered why and then they all told me how 'Tara-lee is a fat slut' was wrote on the school gates. Nobody ever admitted to that. Sir tried to protect them. He was denying that they were bullying me to my mother, 'as Taras never mentioned it' but lets face it. I was a scared little kid and every time you tried to tell a teacher something you'd always get 'Stop telling tales go play' so all you really could do is go home and tell your mam or dad or nan. It wasn't until the day before the last that Sir realised I was being bullied. I'm not sure how but he did and he made a big speach infront of the class saying the ones who were doing it were not welcome back into the school, ever. Then clearly the guilty ones broke down in tears and stuff. I spent the last day with the boys and we were allowed to help sir which sounds kinda lame but in primary that was like a privilege. 

The next bit is personal to me, but I'm going to try and be open and share this with you guys so that you may be able to relate/understand more. I felt in year six as if I was more mature than anyone else. I had my first set of suicidal thoughts. I kept having negative thoughts. I had tantrums, I was already on the laptop speaking to people. I had a strong passion for 'reading and correct grammar' so it came as a shock to others, but not me when I self harmed for the first time. I'm not sure what possessed me to do it. But regaurdless I did it. Little did I know that, that one mistake, that one low moment would lead too the next four years of misery, still ongoing. 

The holiday I spent on my laptop. Listening to Mayday Parade like I still do today. With the whole money making schemes and youtubers.

It was the big day. The first day of secondary school. But it was different for me as I got put into a secondary school away from the kids that bullied me in primary. So I started somewhere with no friends. Nobody I knew there except my cousins. One had already been there for a year and had all her friends and life sorted, the other was started the same time as me but he had friends from primary and he was good looking, which put him to the top straight away. I on the other hand, was very very overweight, unattractive and a little bit, well depressed. My cousin was really nice to me and brought me to a big group of girls that tried to speak to me but I could feel that they knew I was a bit, off. I walked away and stood on my own holding back the tears as I was the only child stood alone, also I was scared of people looking at me and my repulsive body. I was ashamed. I now regret ever walking away from them girls. They were the pretty, most popular girls of my year. They got a really strong bond and to think I could of been part of that sucks. 
I guess though, now it's been four years that things have changed I never would of thought back then that I'd be the person I am now with the friends and experiences I've had till this very day.
Don't dwell on the past or present, think about how great things can go in the future because that's the only thing in the long run that's going to keep you motivated and going!